


My jar full of loss

by brainonfire



Series: | Until we meet again | [1]
Category: NCIS
Genre: Ellick, F/M, Feelings Realization, Grief, Loss, Love, torres x bishop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-18
Packaged: 2019-10-30 15:28:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17831213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brainonfire/pseuds/brainonfire
Summary: If you love someone then tell them.Even if you're scared that it's not the right thing, even if you're scared that your feelings won't be returned, even if you’re scared that it will burn your life to the ground, you say it, and you say it loud because it might be too late the next moment to do it.This is a lesson that Special Agent Nick Torres has to learn in the most painful way.





	1. Loss

**Author's Note:**

> DISCLAIMER: I don't own these amazing characters. This fanfic contains spoilers from season 16.
> 
> I would like to apologize now for my gruesome english but I try to improve my english (it...don't really work the way I want it x'D).  
> And let me say that even if only one of you follow this short fanfic with enthusiasm then that is a huge success for me!

Several shots intersected the calm, cool evening air as McGee finally stopped the car in front of a old cabin and Nick got out of the car. At first he could not see anything as if he were blind but then finally she stood there on the dimly lit pier.

“Ellie!” His voice sounded unusually trembling even to himself as he called the name of the blonde woman as he ran to her. When he was almost in front of Ellie Nick saw the second woman who was lie soaking wet on the cold wood and got a CPR from his colleague.The next moment, the woman coughed, choking out the water that had obviously entered her lungs.

Nick leaned down to help Ellie bring the brown-haired victim into a sitting position and there he saw it. A dark spot on Ellie’s blouse under her jacket, which was growing more and more, a heavy, iron-like smell hanging in the cool air. It was clearly what was going on and yet he did not want to believe it. That could not be, was not allowed to be but before Nick could intervene it happend.

The blond-haired woman went down in front of him like a puppet which was cut from her strings. ”No! Ellie! No! NO!” At the last minute, he managed to catch her soft body and hold she close to his chest. She was soaking wet and cold, but somehow also warm, eyes wide open. Her breath was quickened and though he pressed her wet scarf on the bleeding wound as hard as he could, the dark spot continued to grow.

“Don’t do that to me, Ellie. Please stay with me, the ambulance is almost here. “ With a trembling hand, Nick stroked her wet, blond hair out of her face as he continued to press his hand on her bleeding wound. She was not allowed to go, she was not allowed to leave him. Not this way, not now when he finally found out about his true feelings for her. “You can’t leave me Ellie. Okay? You can’t leave me because I love you. I love you since the first time I saw you” He swallowed the upcoming tears while he lookes at her face. “I…I just was too…childish, too dumb to notice it and I was afraid. I was afraid to tell you that I love you.” His voice got quieter and even more trembling towards the end of his sentence. Her pale lips twisted into a smile, but she said nothing, and Nick wanted her to talk to him. She had to stay awake.

When she finally said something Torres breathed almost relieved.  
"You…are an…idiot” Ellie’s voice was low, breaking away again and again.  
“Yes…yes I am,” Nick said with a faint smile as he nodded.  
“I…” Nicks eyes widened as Ellie’s grip on his sleeve slackened and her gaze kept wandering off into the distance.  
“Eleanor! Ellie look at me and talk to me. Come on babe, look at me. The ambulance is almost here you…you just have to hold on a bit longer. I know its hard but…please, do it for me…for us.”

He kept talking to her, asking her to talk to him, and he did that even as her hand slid off his arm because her strength had left her. He did so even though he knew she was gone, that he had lost her. “No…please…no. You can’t do this to me…Ellie wake up…please come back to me. I beg you babe. Come back.” With his eyes closed, he buried his face in her wet hair and finally gave in to the urge to cry.  
He had lost her.  
Final.  
Forever.


	2. Guilt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "That instant pain of guilt when you know you have let down the person that just trusted his life to you." - Unknown

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys!  
> Here we go again - the new chapter is here and I hope you like it. I'm not quite sure how long this fanfiction will last or what exactly will happen but I'm looking forward to your opinion! 
> 
> P.s. The chapter is not improved yet so please excuse the mistakes. I don't have a Beta-reader (if you are interested please contact me 🙈🙊) but I will put the improved version of the chapter online as soon as I have it. 
> 
> And now...cry with me.  
> xD

Actually Nick wasn't a big movie and series fan but like probably all other people he had watched a lot of different movies in his life. Many of them were love movies thanks to his sister Lucia - he himself preferred action and drama movies - but almost all of them had one thing in common: if there was a funeral in the movie then it rained, the atmosphere was more overwhelming - than it was anyway - thanks to the weather. In love movies it was always the same: He or she died, the girlfriend or boyfriend mourns and one of the speakers at the funeral tells something like the sky cries with them because of their loss.  
All bullshit when it came to Nick and yet he wished somehow that it would rain outside, even storms during the funeral instead of the sun shining from the sky.  
It was five days ago since Ellie had died and that damn sun was shining relentlessly from the sky and that was just wrong. Everything was wrong. Life went on, the world just kept turning as if nothing had happened but that wasn't true. Something had happened, something that had changed his whole life. 

With a quiet sigh, Nick leaned back in his armchair while his gaze was still glued to Ellie's empty workplace. He just couldn't imagine it at all. Nick couldn't imagine that everyday life would return at some point, that he would live on without seeing Ellie every day.  
How should all this work?  
Who would do all this nerd stuff with Tim?  
Who would work undercover with him and bring down bad guys?  
Who should he worry about now?  
With Ellie, Nick had not only lost the first woman he had fallen in love with after an eternity, but also his best friend, his partner in crime.  
Nick had no idea how Ellie's family and the rest of the team managed to do everything that had to be done. Where did they get their strength from?  
He just wanted to hide from the world and his friends which he did somehow since Ellie had died in his arms.  
Gibbs and Tim had been at his home the next day when Ellie's family arrived in D.C. and wanted to see him. He had met her mum, brothers and father once, but it had been pure coincidence. When they all surprisingly got a week off - there had been no case - one day Nick got into his car and went to Ellie's to talk to her and finally confess everything to her but when a tall guy instead of Ellie opened the door he decided to keep his feelings for now. It was hardly the best idea before Ellie's family to confess his feelings to her. Instead, he had accepted the invitation of Barbara - Ellie's mother - and stayed in Ellie's apartment for dinner. Nick met her brothers and father, saw who Ellie had her wonderful nature from and why she was such an excellent agent and person.  
It was wonderful to see how much love Ellie got from all sides, how happy she was and although the bishops were a closed front he had not felt excluded for a moment.  
They brought him a kindness that Nick hadn't gotten in almost a decade. Working undercover was anything but easy. For eight years he had been everyone but himself. It wasn't that he didn't love or like to do his work but the price he had paid for it had been very high.  
Maybe too high. 

"Nick?"  
Kasie's voice made Nick jump up in his chair and sit up straight again. He hadn't even known that the young woman was still in the building. To be honest, he had expected that she would help Delilah and the others to help the bishops with the preparations.  
"Nick?"  
Kasie's voice made Nick jump up in his chair and sit up straight again. He hadn't even known that the young woman was still in the building. To be honest, he had expected that she would help Deliah and the others to help the bishops with the preparations.  
"Hey, Kasie." Damn, his voice sounded like he was about to cry but he wouldn't. Why would he cry? He had cried when Ellie lay dead in his arms and it hadn't helped her.  
"You're still here...aren't you going to the dinner Ellie's family is giving tonight in her honor? Gibbs and the others will all be there. Even Abby and I've heard that DiNozzo and Tali are coming," she said in a tone that made Nick wanted to yell at her. He knew that tone. In that tone they spoke to relatives of dead victims, to people who had lost someone they loved through no fault of their own. It was a tone of consolation, understanding and courage.  
"No...no I am not going Kasie. But what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be with the others and help?" Nick's voice was harder than he wanted but he didn't care. He was angry, so incredibly angry and he felt lost. At the moment the agent didn't care if he hurt someone's feelings or not.  
"Why?  
"Because I don't want to."  
"Why don't you want? It's just a dinner and Ellie's mother will prepare it. She is a really good cook."  
"Because I don't want to. Will I also get an answer from you now?"  
Kasie stuttered around a bit before she finally answered him understandably. "The team sent me."  
Of course. Who else?  
"They...we worry Nick. Since... since it happened you are either in your apartment or you sit here staring...at an empty chair. The whole day. You don't respond to phone calls, messages and you haven't met with the Bishops even though they asked you to."  
Nick listened silently to Kasie as his gaze stuck to the empty chair again. His thoughts ran amok. There was a real war going on in his head and it was hard for him to even think of one useful thought. When Kasie just wouldn't stop talking, Nick grabbed the picture of his younger self which was on his desk and threw it against the big screen.  
"Can you finally stop talking Kasie?" His voice was so loud that it could be recorded as screaming. "Stop.talking! You don't have to worry about me. I am not a child. It is nothing unusual to lose a partner, colleagues. Nothing at all. That is part of our job. Is that clear?"  
The dark-haired one hadn't noticed it, but when he had himself again a little more under control he stood in front of the younger one and had grabbed her on both upper arms. Apparently Nick had grabbed her pretty tight because although there was still concern in Kasie's eyes, he could also see some fear. And pain.  
As if she was burning hot, he let her go and stepped back a few steps with his hands up. "I...Kasie I...I am sorry. I...didn't want to hurt you."  
"No...no Nick. Everything is okay. You didn't hurt me," she assured him with a faint smile and slowly walked towards him. "Come on Nick...let's go to dinner together. They all want you there...and Ellie would want that, too."  
Although her name was constantly circling in his mind, it was like a dagger rammed into his heart to hear her name spoken out loud again. "No Kasie...please...stop."  
"Nick..." The sympathy in Kasie's voice was the torpedo that made his wall collapse.  
A loud sobbing ripped through the silence in the empty office and it took a moment for Nick to realize it was him who sobbed, it was him who cried.  
"Oh Nick..." Kasie sobbed, too, kneeling down to him - his knees had collapsed at the same time as his protective wall - and wrapped her arm around his body.  
"I can't do that, Kasie. I can't do that. I can't face them after I killed their daughter, their sister, their friend." Nick sobbed again and left his head hanging on Kasie's shoulder. "I was her partner. I never should have let her drive alone. It is my fault Kasie. Everything is my fault. She...she is dead because I let her down."  
His whole body hurt.  
The knowledge that he could just as well have pointed the gun at her and pulled the trigger almost killed Nick.


End file.
